Cuter Kitty

A woman set her apartment on fire by searching for her cat. Apparently she was looking under the bed with a cigarette lighter. We cats are good hiders, so stop trying to look for us. When we’re ready, we’ll come by and say hello!

Just to let you know — I don’t advocate bacon as a form of clothing. Even though this bacon-wearing cat is strutting her stuff, and does look quite fashionable, I don’t think it’s a good idea. It’s just not kosher.

This just seems like a bad idea. What if a dog is around? What’s next, a tuna coat? Oh my God, cannibals!

I’m going to go hide now. My people might get ideas.

Secret agent Fred is dead. Sad, but true. After an illustrious career as an undercover agent, Fred has sadly gone to his great reward.

A moment of silence, for dear old Fred. We hardly knew ye!

Meow Mix gets all reality show on us. Ten cats, one Meow Mix House, with one cat getting the boot a week, based on human voting. Really now. If they wanted to make this show worthwhile, they’d have cats do the voting, duh.

They’re only pulling cats from animal shelters — that’s, fine, I guess, but I could’ve been a contender! Oh well, I guess it’ll keep those cats from becoming cats in boxes.

That’s right, our agents are everywhere. Unfortunately, one of our fellow spooks got outed. Meet Fred, an undercover agent for the NYPD. At least, he used to be an undercover agent for the NYPD. Fred’s work helped capture a person doing unlicensed veterinary work, saving untold numbers of would-be victims of unlicensed surgery. Chances are, if your vet doesn’t have an office, only makes housecalls, and provides no medical prescriptions for ailments, you might want to call on agents like Fred.

Sadly, now that Fred has been outed, his undercover career may be over. His face has been seen everywhere — how could you forget such a handsome mug as his? It looks like the talk show circuit for you now, Fred. Remember: you should write your book now while you retain popularity, and don’t give away creative control on the film rights! Wouldn’t Tom Cruise look great in a cat suit?

Finally, someone understands the gravity of the lives of cats. Apparently this woman’s cat was killed by injuries from a coyote attack, and so she is suing the city of Vancouver and the provincial government. While I can certainly appreciate her enthusiasm, this effort is destined for failure. Relax lady, the kitty nation is strong!

A fellow cat calls 911 to save his pet human’s life. You humans think you’re superior because you have opposable thumbs, but we say who needs ‘em when you’re as resourceful as we are. Honestly, what would you humans do without us, anyway?

A West Virginian woman was locked out of her car by a cat. Ah, my fellow minions at work. Apparently the woman left her keys on the car seat, while fetching something from the trunk. Ample timing to execute the master plan, and hit the doorlock! Hee hee hee hee.

Unfortunately, what my fellow feline friend forgot was that he didn’t have any opposable thumbs. Damn opposable thumbs! How is one to turn the car key without thumbs? Damn, the humans have outsmarted us once again! Humans will rue the day when we perfect our robotic kitty hands.